Nevermore
by SunilaMoon
Summary: Fantasies of a life never lived, but not his own. Only selfish desires that he'd reassured were for the good of the man he loved.. Slight CassianxJizabel, Post volume 8. Nothing but the things that come out of my mind late at night. xP R&R please.


**8D**

**First off, let's not even pretend like the following story makes any sense at all. This was just some crazy idea I got last night, so I wrote it tonight. I wrote it for myself, but I'm putting it up here since people seem to read my work. XD**

**So basically: No, there is no second part. There probably never ever, ever, ever will be. No, there is to first part, does it really need one.**

**Also, it's totally OOC, but seriously. It came to me at 1:00 while I was lying in bed trying to sleep, would it make any sense? Nope, it'd make just about as much sense as Godchild M-preg. Which I've also thought about at 1:00 AM. See why my brain is a very dangerous place? xP**

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Three years.

259 days.

...And, if I were to really think of it, _at least_ twelve hours.

The time I have now spent away from you is, of course, nowhere equal to the time I knew you, Or the time that I grew so attached to you. How could I not had such a devotion? You needed someone then. I realized that I was that someone, I was the _only one_ who could be that someone.

Did any of them understand you like I did? The Cardmaster understood you well enough, but he twisted it against you. He knew every way to hurt you, but _I_....

_I am doing this now out of love._

Out of the realization that I cannot live without you now, and that you deserved life. You really did, a second chance, the same chance you gave me. I was too late, I should have given that back, but I was too late. I blame only myself, and I do this right those wrongs.

Most of the small crew I have working with me knows little of what they're really doing, and my own work is based solely on three years of research in the medical field, and months studying the notes of yours that I could salvage. I even have some of the Cardmasters research in the subject... Obviously I cannot match your work, but...

_I am doing this now for you. Only for you._

You wanted out, didn't you? Why? Why did you let that happen, why did you let it consume you even after all I did.... Why did you give me another chance at life, and take your own? You were my reason, you were what I had left, all I had left.... Did you think I like living in this mans cold shell? It has scarred me more than anyone can imagine. Sometimes, I almost _feel_ like him, and that thought alone makes my skin crawl...

Is that why you left me? You put me in this body, but you where too afraid of it yourself, was that it...? With what he did to you, I'm almost willing to believe that...

No, I know that's not true... I'm sorry for even thinking that way, but I suppose... I suppose I'll know the truth soon enough.

_I am doing this now for us._

I questioned it at first, but the more I thought it over, the more it made sense to me. I told myself it was wrong, and yet... This is our second chance at happiness. Our second chance, _yours. _Were you ever happy? I can tell you were once, Nobody can know a misery as deep as yours without having a joy to compare it to... I promise I can give you that happiness back. I worked towards that every day, I've waited for this for so long.

When I began my studies, when I made use of your work, I was prepared. Several people working with me are _from_ Delilah. Though I can hardly trust them, I know that they're my only link, they're the few who survived that explosion. My last bit of hope, they are the few who actually know the truth of what I'm doing.

I have come too far to fail, I have come too far to stop... I crossed the line of stopping the day I dug up your body... and now that you're stable, alive, _breathing_... It's all been successful so far, more so then I could have hoped for.

_This is only for you. For the future you never got to have._

...It was exactly ten minutes past midnight when you opened your eyes. You were so frail, still relying on human blood, what little I could provide over time, for I could not kill anyone else for this...

You could barely move, that helplessness scared you even more, didn't it? I saw that desperation in your eyes, I saw confusion. Concerned, I brushed my hand on your cheek, and you turned your gaze towards it, recognizing the scar, and used what little strength you had at that time to nuzzle your head closer to it, as if I was the only thing that made any sense. In the beginning, before I had this new... This new, _insane_, hope... In the beginning I questioned myself of an afterlife, and thought that you had to be in heaven. I had never known what to think of such things, of religion, or heaven or hell... But surely you were in heaven, if there was a god, wouldn't he need his angel back beside him?

But in the past years, I had not thought once of such things, they had been completely pushed to the back of my mind. I've heard from the more faithful that heaven cannot be described, and that all the goodness in this world paled in comparison. One would suppose that insanity, that all scars and pains from life couldn't touch someone there. One would suppose that in heaven one was finally who they always _should_ have been...

Your eyes were just as clouded as they were when I knew you, just as haunted, as mad, as scared... if not more so now. A dryness rose in my throat, as I used that hand to pull you close to me. You finally looked at me, just barely recognizing my face. I could feel your heartbeat speed up, I noticed your hand twitch abit... I knew that you wouldn't have much strength from the start, but... that frailty, your eyes...

"...Ca...ssian...?"

Your voice was under a whisper, had the room not been so hauntingly silent I would not have heard it. I nodded my head, swallowing, trying to fight back my own need to cry, my own guilt, my own stupidity.... but what was done was done, now I had to be there. I was the only thing left now. I was....

_I have done this out of selfishness._

That was the only thing to it. It was for my own needs, how had I ever been so foolish, so damn cruel... You were happy where you were, weren't you? You were _safe_. You didn't need me for that. I had gone too far. Far too far. Those fantasies of our life, the life we were supposed to have in my mind... Those fantasies were just that, they were dreams. How could I have imagined a joyous reunion, not when I had already seen first hand the misery tied to these souls, tied to the deadly dolls. The Cardmaster brought people into this world just to ruin them, to toy with them... How was I now any different? How could I have gone this far? He'd pulled you away from any happiness you'd ever had, but now... now had I done the same?

We had our chance, _I had my chance_. It was gone, as were my fantasies. To return nevermore.

...

Several tears fell down my face, dripping down onto his perfect skin, where I saw them mingle with his own tears. I shuddered, the hand that wasn't still at his face reaching down to take his own hand and clasp it tightly.

"I'm... so sorry."

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**1:00 AM Suni.**

**That's what comes from me when I'm sleep deprived. So thanks for reading that far, thanks for poking into my half thought stories and such. XD**


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